Awards

Today we had the 'Distinguished Service Teaching Awards' at school. Which mostly translated into 'free reception snackies and diet Coke...and alcohol, but no alcohol for you, because you're trying to cram another hundred renal facts into your cranial vault in the next twelve hours, and champagne will not help you do that.' So, in the spirit of such awards, let's hear it for The Body Systems, Organs, Diseases, and General Medical Stuff Awards! Yay! (Sponsored by Valtrex).

Most alarming symptom that's usually fine: Rectal bleeding. Notice I'm NOT a doctor, but rectal bleeding, especially when accompanied by pain, is usually hemorrhoids--and you'll usually be fine in a couple days if you get your hands (well, not your hands exactly...) on some hydrocortisone suppositories. Yes, suddenly being confronted with unexpected blood--particularly from this region--is distressing (as I *almost* said to my physician when she asked 'how much' bleeding I was having, "I don't think there's an acceptable lower limit for ass blood"), but it's nowhere near as bad as, say, vomiting blood.

Most innocuous condition that makes me wish I were dead: It's a tie between menstrual cramps and migraines, both of which feel like I have tiny angry elves inside my body trying to hack their way out with pickaxes. Sometimes I get both at once (oh joy! It's fairly common, apparently, and has to do with all those shifting lady hormones), and all I can do is stay perfectly still in my dark, dark, bedroom with earplugs in and a heating pad on. Oh, and take Ultram. I don't think it's a narcotic...

Grossest-looking infection that is in no way dangerous: Onychomycosis, or for those playing the home game, fungal infections of the nail bed. The thing is, it's not limited to people with poor hygeine, either...sometimes you'll be at the pool and some cute little twentysomething will walk by and only when you look down do you notice that she has, not to put too fine a point on it, toenails like corn chips. Fritos.

Prettiest-sounding infection that's actually quite gross: Chlamydia.

Most recent disease to be stripped of eponym status: Wegener's Granulomatosis, now ANCA+ vasculitis or granulomatosis (because it turns out Dr. Wegener was a Nazi, which is actually really not cool).

Laziest 'organ'- The appendix. Yeah, that's right, I put organ in scare quotes.

Overachieving organ: The liver. It does everything. If you've been reading this blog for any length of time you know my love of the liver is vast.

Organ so large and in charge you don't even think of it as an organ: The brain. More than a traditional dish in the zombie-American community; it's what keeps everything running smoothly.