And today...we learned the pelvic exam.

First, there was the pelvic exam, which was largely demonstrated via a video (with the sound turned off) which an Ob/Gyn attending walked us through. It was odd sitting in a room with all these other people looking at a projected vagina larger than the lecturer's head.
Things learned, and fun quotes:
"So a few weeks ago my eighteen year old son, who is very dear and who's just begun dating, came to me and wanted to know about women's menstrual cycles...specifically how regular they are and what the implications are. And so, after I had a coronary and grabbed him and shook him until his fillings came loose..."

The 'inspection' portion of the exam, during which you inspect and palpate the external genitalia, went on FOREVER in the video. Quoth both Dr. W and Dr. S, "Don't ever stare at a woman's vulva for this long. I have no idea what's going on with this video...also, when doing the pelvic or breast exam, DO NOT make any comments on the patient's appearance. Not even compliments. ESPECIALLY not compliments. Especially if you don't want to get sued."

Put lube on your fingers, lube on the speculum...lube it all up. It won't interfere with Pap smear results, and it will make everyone more comfortable.

"Don't open the speculum until it's all the way in. Because if you get it halfway in, tentatively, and then open it up...(Every woman in the room winces and gasps). Yep, that's right. Every woman in here knows it. And guys, just imagine having something rammed up your urethra."

Be careful if you insert your finger before you insert the speculum...don't try to have too much stuff in there at once. Quoth Dr S, "There is a finite amount of space in most women's vaginas."
This is true--it's not like Santa's sack in there. It's not a clown car.

I was astounded the male GU and genital exams were actually demonstrated to us live. More on that after the jump.

Just a note

I would just like to say a few things.
To the prof who put a picture of a puking pumpkin in the power point presentation on eating disorders: Real sensitive. You're on the list.

To my body in general: stop producing prostaglandins. To my uterus specifically: stop trying to claw your way out of my abdomen. It really, really hurts and makes it difficult for me to study.

To Amina, who taught me that the best treatment, if not cure, for dysmenorrhea is a combo of red wine, David Sedaris essays and Sade (Sha-DAY, the singer of 'Smooth Operator,' which I thought of every time someone mentioned the obturator nerve last year in anatomy...actually, I think of lots of inappropriate songs at inappropriate moments...for instance:
-Talking to one of my high school friends about how she finally stopped self-mutilating: 'The First Cut is the Deepest,' by Sheryl Crow
-When one of my acquaintances (who I didn't particularly like) got evicted in college: 'There's No Home for You Here' by the White Stripes
-Watching Ann Coulter on FoxNews: 'Evil and a Heathen' by...shit, what was that band that came to play at Cornell my junior year?
-Listening to an attractive member of the faculty discuss drug abuse and dependence: 'Addicted to Love'
-At the 'Get to Know your Administrators' lunch: 'Dean's Dream' by the Dead Milkmen
-Sitting in the lecture on treating sexual dysfunction: 'Limp' by Fiona Apple)

Damn that was a long parenthetical.

Oh, and to Fiona Apple, since I'm thinking of it: Thank you for your body of work. Please put out another album.