Love/Hate

It's that time of the month again...time for things (and people) that piss me off, the Medical Edition! And, because I'm trying to remain positive this year, there will be an equally important Things I Like section.

Things That Piss Me Off
1. When a doctor orders six separate blood tests, and they are tests that need to be done on different Vacutainers of blood, so that I have to give six tubes of blood instead of one. This isn't anyone's fault, per se, it's just one of those things that can't be helped. Also, when the phlebotomist has a hard time finding a vein and rather than WITHDRAWING the needle and trying again, just digs around under the skin...it's an awful feeling. I've drawn blood before, and I've had lots of blood drawn, and it's easier for everyone just to retry.

2. The paper gown. Just when you thought it was impossible for the hospital gown to get any draftier or less comfortable, they've traded in that cloth gown (which, despite being 3 sizes too big, at least provided you with a sense of being somewhat clothed) for one made out of Charmin. No, not even Charmin. Whatever the Aldi brand of toilet paper is, in 1/2 ply.

3. The fact that, despite being gay and despite having been celibate for longer than I care to mention, one of the first several questions any physician will ask me is, "When was your last menstrual period?" Even if I come in for chronic sinusitis. I'm not pregnant, I promise. Or, as I told the X-ray tech the last time I had a chest X-ray, "If I'm pregnant my girlfriend has a lot of explaining to do."

4. That the only medication that has considerably improved my insomnia gives me a hangover effect that keeps me from full consciousness until about noon the next day. During last year's finals, I was 45 minutes late for our Genetics exam because said drug kept me from responding to the alarm. I cycled through 2 anxiety attacks on the way (run!) to class, and got the extreme evil eye from the professor. It's nice to make friends with faculty members who are also in positions of authority within the school at large (ie, if you're going to be late for someone's exam, try not to make it one of the Deans'. Ooops). Thanks, Seroquel!

5. Male gynecologists. I'm sure they're nice people. I know several. I'm probably being sexist. But I don't want a Mormon bartender, I don't want a mechanic who's never driven a car, and I don't want someone without breasts or ovaries examining mine.

Things I like
1. Bandaids with cartoon characters. Call me childish, but Hello Kitty bandages really do make those minor abrasions hurt less.

2. Zyrtec. Can I get a hallelujah from all those with allergies? Zyrtec has made spring and summer enjoyable again. No, I'm not getting paid to say that.

3. Eugenol, or oil of cloves. I had a dry socket (otherwise known as the most painful condition humankind is heir to, outside of childbirth and kidney stones) once, and within seconds of having it packed with eugenol-soaked gauze, the pain was gone. I wanted to kiss the dentist on his big bald head.

4. Ativan. The ultimate anxiolytic, though its usefulness is limited by the fact that it generally leaves me too gorked to perform daily functions. It seems to work as most benzodiazepines do--ie, on the assumption that you can't have a panic attack if you're unconscious.