Your Children Will Thank You

for giving them names that are at least passably familiar, or that are spelled in accordance with the rules of English phonetics. This isn't a cheap shot at foreign names--rock on, little Ashwin from India and Toan from Vietnam--but as I have learned after 2 weeks in a certain pediatric emergency room, there are a lot of parents giving their children...creative names. This isn't a race or class thing either, so don't think I'm going after the LaKieshas and Dantaes (fact: the majority of the kids at my high school were African American, and in part because of that I know not one, not two, but three women named LaKiesha. Aaaaand so we see how novelty becomes the new conformity). So here are some tips/warnings/desperate pleas to assist you in naming your bundle of joy, so that when I walk into the room to see your child I don't have to a)mispronounce their name horrifically or b) say, "And who is this?" to slyly get you to pronounce your kid's name.

1. Spelling a name backwards is something fun to do in your 'special, secret diary'--you know, the one with the cheap lock you could break with 30 seconds and a hairpin--when you're twelve. But you're not twelve, and you're not writing about the bitchy girls at school who made fun of your troll earrings; you're naming a child. When I saw 'Samej'' on the screen in the ER it took me a second to realize the level of atrocity that had been committed. A few days later I saw not one but two Nevaehs (yes, it's 'Heaven' backwards; it's also juvenile forwards).

2. If there are more silent letters than there are letters that are pronounced...it's time to take a look at what you're doing. And though I realize that you're a good-hearted yuppie who wholeheartedly supports social welfare spending,this is not a depression-era public works project where the goal is to get as many letters involved as possible. This is a name. Kimberleigh, Carleaux, and Peaulleigh thank you in advance for sticking with Kimberly, Carlo and Polly.

3. Picking a random noun for a name is not acceptable. I know celebrities are doing it, but celebrities are also doing high colonics and that doesn't make those OK. Apple, Blanket, Sky...this is supposed to be a nursery, not a picnic. Even more egregious faux pas--naming a child after a consumer good, especially one that is...comment se dit? A trifle tacky. Pity poor Chablis and Chardonnay; pity Lexus and Alize even more.

4. Finally, the ones that have fifty potential pronunciations, and bear little relationship to any name you have previously encountered: Sajquanna, Jayreon, Mekhi, Keajah, Jniqua. This is obviously my problem, not theirs, but...I. don't. understand.

All of these are names I have seen in the past 2 weeks. I can only imagine what I might have gathered with more time on my hands.

If you're unsure about the name, try this test. Imagine the name substituted into the following three phrases:
"And now I present to you our CEO, (name) Smith."
"In other news, twenty-two year old (name) Smith was arrested this morning during a police raid on his/her meth lab."
"And now, on the center pole here at Jackson's Gentleman's club, (name)!"

If it works in the first, you're golden. If it sounds better in one of the other two, you might want to give it a little more thought.