Ativan, much?

So last weekend was our first official quiz in Molecular Foundations of Medicine (ie biochem).
The first time I went to take it (I was really hoping to only take it once, but we're allowed to retake them once if necessary, which turned out to be a very good thing) I totally psyched myself out. I was concerned with making it the best possible time to take it--that I'd gone for a run and had the post-workout sense of well-being, that I'd had a protein/carb snack to get those neurotransmitters in top shape (speaking of which, I really need to start taking my fish oil again--those omega 3s and 6s really are good for brain function, as I'll prove to you by posting a link to an actual scientific article when I can be assed to do it), that I'd had the optimal nicotine to caffeine ratio--not so much as to be jittery, but enough that the neurostimulant effects were out in full force. There was an article in the NY Times recently that said caffeine has both mood elevating and cognitive enhancing effects--to which any college student or working person will respond with an exasperated "duh."
So I put on my white noise machine to block out the workaday sounds of my apartment complex (and my roommate, who had family visiting) and sit down to take the quiz online. Yes, it's online. Closed-book, do-it-alone, online. I don't know how many of my classmates actually did it that way; I don't know if the professor is really that inherently trustful of human nature (though one would imagine that with 40 plus years of experience on planet Earth she must have considered the remote possibility that driven, type-A people, which medical students are almost by definition, might...bend the rules) but I did the quiz myself, just me and my computer, and lo and behold--I bombed. I literally felt like I'd been gutshot. I went downstairs to get myself the beer I'd been planning to have (either in a congratulatory or consolatory capacity) and damned if my roommate didn't ask me, "Are you ok? You don't look so good." I looked over my answers--the program lets you review them after you've taken the exam--and I had clicked the wrong boxes, I had missed words in the questions...a fustercluck. I'd just been so freaked out; about halfway through, I started thinking, "This is the first thing that really counts. This will be recorded for a grade, for posterity. This determines whether or not you will be able to pursue your chosen career." And of course I froze, and screwed up. At the same time, the sane and rational part of me (it exists, despite the numerous neuroses I vent here and the voluminous evidence to the contrary) was yelling at this critical, needling voice: "Shut up shut up shut up for Chrissake shut UP!" Did I say sane and rational? Sorry.
So I spent part of Saturday considering whether I should call the dean Monday and go in to say, "I'm sorry, I'm too stupid to be here. Obviously there was some sort of mistake. I should probably go." But instead, I studied up a bit more, did some yoga and meditation before I took the quiz again, and lo: my grade went up 20 points. Which goes to show: there is not a single human situation that cannot be helped dramatically by chilling the eff out. In fact, I repeat it to myself, mantra-like, sometimes: Freak not. I've always imagined that if angels came to people nowadays, like they did back when Jesus was roaming around, they'd have updated their language--and instead of saying "Fear not," like they told the shepherds at the first Christmas, they'd say, "Freak not."
So the anatomy exam is in less than 2 weeks. It's on the 29th, a day that for various reasons is one of the crappiest days I can imagine to have to really crank out a good performance. I spent several hours today going over the material (ie, two days' worth of lecture notes...which means I only have another 5,000 hours of material to get through). For me, the real sticklers are the heart and the autonomic nervous system. First, just the idea of the autonomic nervous system: that my brain is getting up to things without me being aware of it (though I guess it's good I don't have to think about breathing or having my heart beat--hey, cerebellum and brainstem, I'm not being ungrateful, I'm just saying...). And the heart, well, there's just a lot going on, especiallywhen you throw embryology and congenital defects into the mix. But I'm sticking with my mantra. And taking Ativan occasionally.