Love/Hate

It's that time of the month again...time for things (and people) that piss me off, the Medical Edition! And, because I'm trying to remain positive this year, there will be an equally important Things I Like section.

Things That Piss Me Off
1. When a doctor orders six separate blood tests, and they are tests that need to be done on different Vacutainers of blood, so that I have to give six tubes of blood instead of one. This isn't anyone's fault, per se, it's just one of those things that can't be helped. Also, when the phlebotomist has a hard time finding a vein and rather than WITHDRAWING the needle and trying again, just digs around under the skin...it's an awful feeling. I've drawn blood before, and I've had lots of blood drawn, and it's easier for everyone just to retry.

2. The paper gown. Just when you thought it was impossible for the hospital gown to get any draftier or less comfortable, they've traded in that cloth gown (which, despite being 3 sizes too big, at least provided you with a sense of being somewhat clothed) for one made out of Charmin. No, not even Charmin. Whatever the Aldi brand of toilet paper is, in 1/2 ply.

3. The fact that, despite being gay and despite having been celibate for longer than I care to mention, one of the first several questions any physician will ask me is, "When was your last menstrual period?" Even if I come in for chronic sinusitis. I'm not pregnant, I promise. Or, as I told the X-ray tech the last time I had a chest X-ray, "If I'm pregnant my girlfriend has a lot of explaining to do."

4. That the only medication that has considerably improved my insomnia gives me a hangover effect that keeps me from full consciousness until about noon the next day. During last year's finals, I was 45 minutes late for our Genetics exam because said drug kept me from responding to the alarm. I cycled through 2 anxiety attacks on the way (run!) to class, and got the extreme evil eye from the professor. It's nice to make friends with faculty members who are also in positions of authority within the school at large (ie, if you're going to be late for someone's exam, try not to make it one of the Deans'. Ooops). Thanks, Seroquel!

5. Male gynecologists. I'm sure they're nice people. I know several. I'm probably being sexist. But I don't want a Mormon bartender, I don't want a mechanic who's never driven a car, and I don't want someone without breasts or ovaries examining mine.

Things I like
1. Bandaids with cartoon characters. Call me childish, but Hello Kitty bandages really do make those minor abrasions hurt less.

2. Zyrtec. Can I get a hallelujah from all those with allergies? Zyrtec has made spring and summer enjoyable again. No, I'm not getting paid to say that.

3. Eugenol, or oil of cloves. I had a dry socket (otherwise known as the most painful condition humankind is heir to, outside of childbirth and kidney stones) once, and within seconds of having it packed with eugenol-soaked gauze, the pain was gone. I wanted to kiss the dentist on his big bald head.

4. Ativan. The ultimate anxiolytic, though its usefulness is limited by the fact that it generally leaves me too gorked to perform daily functions. It seems to work as most benzodiazepines do--ie, on the assumption that you can't have a panic attack if you're unconscious.

A to Z of Rare Medical Words

Words I didn't know before I started medical school...in alphabetical order (kewl).

anastamosis-communication between blood vessels

basilar artery-artery located (surprise!) at the base of the brain

Christmas disease-no shit, there really is a Christmas disease. Wouldn't it suck to have to tell someone, "Yes, you have Christmas disease...not Chanukah disease, not Ramadan or Holi disease...Christmas disease. Well, there's your present. Happy holidays." It's a sex-linked hemorrhagic disorder.

decidua--not related to trees; it's a kind of tissue found in the uterus.

enkephalin-a naturally occuring opiate, a la the endorphins.

falx-a sickle-shaped structure, a la the falx cerebri (look it up).

gastrocnemius-the big muscle in your calf.

hapten-a small, separable part of an antigen (look it up again).

imbrication-layers of overlapping tissues in a sutured wound. Use it in an everyday conversation and I'll pay you twenty dollars.

jake leg-paralysis caused by drinking improperly distilled liquor (not related to jimmy leg, which means--I dunno, actually, but it sounds bad. Oh, wait--according to the internet, it's Restless Legs Syndrome).

kallikrein- a vasodilatory peptide, ie, a molecule that dilates blood vessels.

labrum-a ring of cartilage attached to the rim of a joint. But doesn't it sound like a dirty word?

mediastinum- the space between the pleura of the lungs, where the heart is. So, y'know, home isn't where the heart is--the mediastinum is where the heart is.

natriuresis- When you piss away salt. Ie, when your urine contains too much sodium.

obtunded-passed out, to the extent that you don't feel pain when exposed to noxious stimuli.

palmaris longus- a superficial muscle of the forearm.

quinsy- an abcess around the tonsils. Seriously, there aren't a lot of words, period, that start with q, let alone medical words I didn't know before.

reamer-a dental instrument. Yes, it is in fact called that. Didn't you always feel like you were getting reamed at the dentist's?

Saint Louis encephalitis- a viral encephalitis named after the city in which I am now going to medical school. Normally you can't get that kind of deal without getting your MD in a tropical location.

tardive-the adjectival form of lateness. A fancier way to say tardiness-ness, I guess.

unctuous-fatty or oily; One of the side effects of Alli is unctuous anal leakage.

vasa vasorum-literally, vessels to vessels; the small blood vessels that supply the walls of larger arteries or veins.

Wharton's jelly-a form of connective tissue in the umbilical cord that, obviously, has a jellylike consistency. Impossible to eat on toast without vomiting afterward.

Yaws-a tropical infection of pretty much every tissue in your body, caused by a spirochete. Ew.

Zonule of Zinn- double credit! The suspensory ligament of the lens of the eye.

Hope you had fun! I know I did!